


it's hard letting go (it feels wrong)

by supaprittiest



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Non-Canonical Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-20 07:57:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3642618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supaprittiest/pseuds/supaprittiest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>skye deals with the loss of a team mate</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's hard letting go (it feels wrong)

When she hears the news, everything stops.

 

The world feels unnaturally still, and the ambient noise throughout her apartment is reduced to ringing in her ears. She stares back at the SHIELD representative, waiting, praying, that he’ll break into a grin and admit that he’s joking, but he doesn’t.

 

Grant Ward is really gone. Forever.

 

He hands her a bundle of cloth, and when she unfolds it, it reveals his wedding ring.

 

The earth has never shaken so violently because of her. Waves of destruction ripple outwards, threatening to tear down the apartment building, and she sinks to her knees. She’ll let the building crash down on her, she’ll let however many people die, because she’s going to cease to exist.

 

“Skye, you need to calm down,” the representative warns, but the earthquake doesn’t stop. He flees, and doesn’t look back. Everyone _leaves._

 

They hold a funeral for him, a proper one. Coulson was reluctant because of Ward’s complicated history with SHIELD, but Skye insisted. Unable to see his surrogate daughter in this distraught state, he allows it.

 

There’s no body in the coffin that they bury. Coulson said that his body had been blown to pieces in the explosion, and all that remained was his wedding band, which had been made of vibranium for that exact reason. On the inside, it was engraved with Skye’s name. Hers matched.

 

Since Ward’s family is absent, Skye is the one that speaks at the funeral. She talks about what a great husband he was, and how much she loved him, and about how much people will miss him, but she knows that she’s the only one that is capable of missing him. All he ever did was run from people, and if he didn’t run, he hurt them. But not with her. With her, he was never the guy that could break someone’s neck with his left pinky. With her, he was always gentle and caring and just a little too protective.

 

What she wouldn’t give for his protection now.

 

Other people speak after, recalling their memories of him. Simmons talks about the time he saved her, and starts sobbing when she apologizes for threatening to kill him. Kara talks about how she saved him in Puerto Rico, and how he was actually the one who saved her.

 

After the funeral, everyone gives their condolences, and even May sticks around for support. The older agent even goes as far as to _hug_ her, and tells Skye about how sorry she is. Skye can’t help but wonder if Coulson put her up to it.

 

The months go by, and the feeling of emptiness starts to define her. May offers up her ex-husband, to help Skye get back on track. She took her up on it, and goes to therapy every week, but it never makes her feel any better. It breaks her down and hardly builds her back up.

 

There are several times that she wants to drop out of SHIELD. It’s hard, being a part of the organization that got her husband killed. Everywhere she looks is a constant reminder of the limited time that she had with Ward, and it dredges up the feelings of loneliness and insecurity that she just can’t shake. But she knows that he’d be disappointed in her for giving up so easily, and he had mentioned a few times that her determination and fire are what drew him to her in the first place, and she can’t lose that.

 

Not because of him.

 

She starts pushing herself harder.

 

She trains harder, asks for more assignments, anything to keep her mind off of Ward. In the process, she gets sloppy and reckless. More than a couple times, she throws herself into harms way, intentionally most times. She finds it harder and harder to control her powers, which is especially frustrating since she had _just_ gotten a handle on them before Ward died.

 

Andrew brings it up in their sessions. He says that she’s unstable, and recommends that she be removed from active duty, for the second time. She’s there when he tells Coulson, who stares at her for a long time in silence.

 

“Stop pitying me,” she warns, staring back at him with heightened intensity. “I don’t want to be treated differently because of what happened to _him_. He doesn’t define me!”

 

“You _are_ different now Skye,” Andrew reminds her, with that calm, patient tone that she’s quickly gotten sick of. “And we all need to adjust accordingly.”

 

“I agree with Andrew,” Coulson admits, and Skye feels the betrayal. The ground rumbles beneath them. “You’re not going to be permanently removed, however. Just a temporary leave of absence until your head is clear.”

 

And so she leaves, again. Coulson lets her use the safe house that he had sent her to so many years ago, when her powers were still new and unpredictable and intimidating. She had felt locked up the last time that she had been here, but now, she feels free.

 

Months go by without any word from Coulson on when she can return to SHIELD. Andrew comes by  every week to check on her and keep up with her sessions, but it never feels like they’re _going_ anywhere.

And then one day, she gets the call from Coulson. It’s completely unexpected, and he wants her to be part of a rescue mission in Haiti. She’s reluctant, but he insists that he needs her to be on this extraction team. So she accepts.

 

The day that they come to pick her up from the safe house, she wears Ward’s wedding band on a silver chain around her neck, concealed by her tactical gear. She hasn’t as much as looked at it since she left SHIELD, but she chooses to wear it so that it’s like her former superior officer is with her. The flight to Haiti is a long one, and everyone on the Quinjet is still wearing their casual apparel, but even if she wasn’t in her tactical gear, she knows she’d be outcast anyways.

 

They land, and everyone waits for her to get off first. Her hand hovers over the grip of her gun, just in case. Around them, the world is reduced to rubble, not unlike the destruction that she causes, and wonders if that’s why they needed her on this mission. She glances back, and everyone is still on the plane, and she figures it out.

 

She’s a guinea pig in a lab test. Testing the water to make sure there aren’t any threats for them. Coulson chose her because he knew that she wasn’t going to get better, and didn’t want to be the one to tell her. What a fucking coward.

 

She sees a figure emerging from the dust and fog, and she immediately rips her gun out of its holster. Her aim will be a bit rusty- she hasn’t fired a gun in months, but if the figure is a threat, she’ll be able to do some damage.

 

The figure grows closer, and she can’t help but feel like she _knows_ him. They're together. It's like they always have been, and always will be. The height and the familiar stance, his left shoulder slightly higher than his right, the way he bends his neck as he draws closer to her...

 

And then it hits her. It’s him.

 

Her gun clatters to the ground, and she wants to run to him, but she’s frozen. Time is frozen, but yet he still moves towards her, and more details become clear. His face is filthy, but she’d recognize those cheekbones anywhere. His eyes, despite being clouded with unprecedented anguish, are still the same hue of golden-brown that always made her heart melt.

 

He’s right in front of her, close enough to touch, but neither of them are brave enough to be the first one to jump. He’s just inches away from her, yet it feels like there are still miles and miles between them.

 

And then she can’t take it anymore. She doesn’t know if it’s a hallucination or if she’s dead or if he’s really there, but she does know that no matter what it is, _her_ Grant Ward is standing right in front of her and she can’t stand being apart from him any longer.

 

She’s never hugged him so tightly, and the sobs of relief that escape from her lips are about as controllable as her powers. He lifts her off the ground and she buries her face in his shoulder. She fists the back of his shirt, and he cups the back of her head as she cries.

 

“I thought you were dead,” she whimpers between choked sobs. “It’s been three years, Grant.”

 

“I know, baby,” he whispers, holding her just as tight as she holds him. “I’m here now, I’m not leaving ever again.”

 

She pulls away just enough so that she can study his face. He hasn’t changed at all since the day she last saw him. His hair is the same, his stubble is the same. His eyes still light up when he looks at her, and she still knows how his lips will feel if she were to kiss him. No new scars, no faded scars. And that’s how she knows.

  
She’s dead too.

**Author's Note:**

> i borrowed a quote from LOST near the end btw, i tweaked it a bit though to fit the story.


End file.
